Burger Gripes

Burgers. They are so now. They are EVERYWHERE. To be honest, I’m getting a bit sick of hearing about them. I don’t want burgers all the time. Which is what everyone else does. But I do like the odd burger, and when I do, I expect it to be good. Which isn’t that easy as there are so many.

MEATliquor is the place to get a burger, Byron is also huge right now and you’d be pushed to find a gastro-pub that doesn’t have a “classic” burger on its menu (Classic, as opposed to what?). But they’re not all good.

My friend's burger attempt

There are at least 5 different components to a good burger:

Bun: I don’t want cheap, I don’t want a plastic-y frozen one from Iceland. And I don’t want one that will detract from the crowning glory. All I really want from a bun is something to keep the burger and its various accompaniments in. Carb and stodge quota are what chips are for. A brioche-type one is good, but they’re so bloody trendy now.

Salad: There has to be good salad. A watery beef tomato that’ll make everything soggy and drippy is not ideal, and an abundance of frisse lettuce can be just as bad as a wilted leaf of iceberg. If the ratio is wrong, it’ll just taste wrong and you’ve got to fiddle around and take bits out and replace bits.

Condiments: Please don’t try and make your own ketchup. It never works and it tastes like shit. And it’s just really pretentious. All you need isn’t love. It’s Heinz. And mayonnaise. And maybe a bit of mustard. But crap sauces can totally spoil it so less is probably more.

Cheese: cheese is there to be another texture and to help bind the whole thing together, not to overpower the taste of the actual burger. Like cheddar or stilton. What’s the point if you can’t taste the main event? Something like Swiss cheese is great because it’s a nice, smooth texture.

Meat: The burger itself is obviously the most important bit. It falls apart when you bite into it, it’s too dry or just doesn’t taste good. I want them Everyone knows if they have a crap burger.

Chips: No chunky chips! Always salty, fatty, skinny chips, otherwise it just doesn’t work. Don’t ask me why.

Size: Sometimes, it’s just too damn tall to eat whole. I mean, I don’t expect to eat it elegantly but give me a chance! I don’t want to deconstruct it and defeat the whole point of this delicious combination.

Sliders: I just don’t really get them. It’s another more exciting, New York-ese name for a small burger.