Friday, 2 May 2014

Wanky review expressions

What is it about food reviews and the wanky expressions?
The minute we get all 'citizen journalist' and write stuff down, we seem to turn into rather over-the-top versions of Barbara Cartland, dictating to a scribe while stroking a small dog on a chaise lounge.

Here's a few examples.

1. 'We opted for'
Something indescribably 'local news' about this expression.

2. 'We went for'
Even worse. Are you fighting? Was it a Mexican stand off against you and the food, until you cunningly went for it, grabbing by the throat and pinning it to the floor until it pleaded with you in defeat?

3. 'Other frequenters'
Frequenters? Would you say this in real life? Really? Hey guys, lots of other frequenters in tonight aren't there? Behave.

4. 'There were so many options, it was hard to know where to start'
Er how about at the beginning of the list?

4. 'Perusing the menu'
Peruse? Do you also 'peruse' the newspapers? Or 'peruse' the TV guide? Are you wearing Edwardian clothes? Is your name Mrs Fizzlebizzy? Well then why have you all of a sudden turned into a rather affected character from a period drama.

5. 'It's one of the most popular dishes, and for good reason' 
Well it would be a bit odd if it was one of the most popular dishes for no good reason.

6. 'Melt in the mouth'
Apart from butter, and ice cream, does anything actually melt in the mouth?

7. 'Very quaffable'.
Absolutely, because at some point between deciding to write this review and writing it, you turned into Bertie Wooster.

8. 'The chef spoke to me for longer than I deserve.'
Well then perhaps a good course of action would be to remove your nose from their arse.

9. 'Surely worthy of a star'
Ah, so you're the chef in disguise then.

10. 'Washed down'
Have you not read the rules? No-one since Keith Floyd is ever been allowed to say this.

11. 'savouring'

Teeny bit gushy.

12. 'devoured' 
You are not really a hungry wild animal.

13. 'Treated to'
You were paying for this meal, correct? Unless you are under 12 and eating a lolly after finishing your plate at Little Chef, then I fail to see how were you being 'treated' to anything. You were in fact 'treating' the restaurant with your custom.

14. 'We were spoiled'
see above

15. Sublime
According to the dictionary, this means 'greatness beyond all possibility of calculation, measurement or imitation'.
So it better have been pretty fucking good then.

16. 'Unctuous'
This is just pure unadulterated freebased wankiness turned up to 11. Oily FFS.

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