I read something about Masterchef and I didn't like it so I wrote this.
1. They manage to chop in time to the music at least once an episode. Amazing! How do they chop in such fantastic rhythm?
2. Gregg Wallace is physically unable to put a bit of a spoon in his mouth. It has to be the WHOLE thing.
3. Any contestant hugs MUST be uncomfortable.
4. It is always a horrendous surprise to viewers if they decide to put 4 people through to the final, despite the fact that there is an extra episode scheduled. Quelle surprise!
5. If they make a hash of a dish element, they will gain brownie points by smugly admitting that they ‘left that part out because it was burnt’. Well done you for getting something wrong and admitting you got something wrong.
6. If you make a chocolate dessert, you are Gregg’s. Even if it’s crap.
7. Random quirks will become a ‘hilarious’ running joke. Like liberal use of mangoes (it could be worse, though).
8. Gregg’s mug will convulse into ecstatic sex faces when eating… er… anything.
9. You will grow to resent the phrase ‘OH, MAYTE’ and will die a tiny bit inside when Gregg uses the phrase (which is a lot).
10. None of them are able to carry three plates. Except one, last season, I think. I can just imagine them awkwardly placing the plates in front of two judges and then apologetically dashing out to get the last one.